Seeking the sequence of numbers where I missed and haven't completed. Yet the numbers are keep floating towards me that I don't know what I can do to search through the missing links and faulty errors. Everything's a mess now... the girl right in front of me just took off with another guy probably for my cowardness, the guy just happen to be my housemate that sometimes I just thought he's laughing at me. My best buddy in the house also pretty anti me now... what has gone wrong I asked myself.
I just can't seem to forget about the moment that we played Poker that it just seems like I just revealed my true me, the true shy and honest me... I don't have any confidence under my foot or even able to think wisely in circumstances like those. I've been avoiding those situation for not to frustrate people or embarrass myself as well. What can I do?
Perhaps I still haven't grow up and strong enough to handle lots of things. Yes, I admit that I'm a coward now, hah! It's the sense of happiness and laughter for everyone and what do I do about it? I can't change it but to live with it and hopefully exit the scene with a joke. Yet, that time was a catch that I have to face it tough yet I was defendless to do anything but to look down and not say a word. Then the girl's choice probably ended after such circumstances occurred that just popped in my mind that "No girls love cowards". Hah, this means that no girls ever gonna get close to me, lolx!!!
Geez, I can't seem to concentrate these days and I'm still reading Joint Life until now. It's really running out of time and I'm still wasting time here. Everytime I told myself to take a route with lots of experience in life rather than only focus on study/ work. Yet, when things get out of hand, I only can set things aside and focus only on my studies. It's not wrong that I did this, probably during these process I'm very tensed that I'm very stubborn to let anything to disturb me. Dumb Ken, just didn't give a good finishing touch on each occassion or avoid good enough to make other people's life better.
Of course, there's always advantages from each lesson to be learnt. 1stly, my good buddy just reminded me that I have to live life using my brain and not bullshiting without evidence/definite information. Now that I just think about it when I was driving back to Burwood is that he often pessed me to go club, drinking n etc. His intention was to protect me from future occassion yet I rejected for I promised myself not to get close to these stuff. Yes, I do drink and smoke but I won't do it anymore and avoid as much as I can. All and all, I'm sorry for being so stubborn for I have principles in life that I promised myself since young and I don't want to break it. No matter what, I'm taking it as he's teaching me some survival skills as I can understand that living in China is always life at risk so living smart enough and able to handle people properly is important there. Not to say that I don't need it, just that I've been avoiding it all the time because I don't know how to handle situations like these. That's why I planned my life becoming an actuary and just earn enough money to survive and not to care about anything else.
Life's always like that, you just can't have it all followed your plan. That I understand but I'm just prepared to adapt situations and make preparations to face it. The possessiveness of me that I realized that I shouldn't force my housemates to do things. Sometimes I criticize them about how inefficient they are and what they could have done more effectively. Sometimes my way is really unrealistic and adding on that I'm still new in surviving alone that I often also say the wrong things. So, all and all became a mess in the house. So, this means that good intention not necessarily a good outcome will occur for the world is a risk and no one knows what can happen next. Just when I smooth cruize with my universal opinion and my housemate just seemed to see that I'm not making much sense anymore, so he got fed up with stuff. So, now what I can do? Humble and give and take I say. Although I don't know until when things will change, but I know I just have to try hard to make things change.
Hah...I'm tired, really tired with lots of stuff but then lots of stuff is not complete and I just want things to be better. So, I cannot rest and cannot give up to make things better tomorrow. God, please help me help myself to make things better for everyone tomorrow. I forgive the girl and I totally rationalized myself that there's no point to frustrate further and wish the best of luck to her. As for the guy, I can see that it's pretty real towards her as those days he's been really down and under after some phenomenons happen. As for my best buddy, perhaps I can't call him so close anymore, but inside he's still. I'm sorry and I just want to thank you for my mistake. If I knew that anything I can do, I hope I can make it. God bless all.
