I'm Done...

There, I've done it. I guess I'm just so not good in relationship that I just failed to detect even the slightest bit whether an opposite sex is interested in me or I'm just imagining things. Gosh, however, I don't think she don't feel anything at all. She might be giving me excuse that she's okay and she's going back with her ex. At this point, I know I had to say it because it's a matter of time and the rise in guilt if I don't let her know as soon as it is. I've dragged since holidays till now yet I owe her a lot, really. She was there when I was pretty down at times and even just yesterday, she was the arm I had after I had a big break down in my family. I felt so cruel now just telling her just like that. I'm so dumb to not make a good timing for it, at least not sky-flying someone up to the sky filled with laughter then hit them back down to the ground with pain n more misery. I want to tell her a thousand sorry, or at least get her something before I tell her, or even make sure that she'll be alright after I tell her but I did nothing to make her feel better.

Perhaps, I'm just wrong about it because she could have just treated me as a v close friend. If that's the case, I'm so so embarrassed and I'm such a loser. Embarrassed for thinking as though I'm being liked and for being so anticipated to go online to meet her. Well, loser? I know I should say this but this is another situation that a girl go back to her ex? Geez, seems like I'm so not ready for relationships or I'm thinking too much on it?

How I wish I'm being rich enough now that I can just go abouts and flirt with some girls now. Or even a few girls even better? No worries of who's coming to break my heart but there's always another one to replace. Whenever I feel like it, I can even choose whichever I want as well. How wonderful can that be? Or how about me turning gay? Just to make myself much happier after all the heart-breaks from female partners.

Haih... I can't turn gay since I really haven't had any interest in guys in that perspective. I admit I'm flirty but I just want to find one girlfriend and how come it can be so hard and so impossible for me? Persistency, security, etc... seemed like not what they want but, perhaps, playful characteristics n stylish-looks or what-so-ever might just attract girls? It's like every time's an accident. When I think being Short-Term relationship to happen, one just said that I'm not being serious to go the long journey. When I think back to plan for a Long-Term relationship, planning each stepping stone, the girl just tell me "We're just friends". I feel hopeless with relationships...I guess I'll just leave it aside and rather focus on my career building better.

Rain or Not Rain?

Don't let the bad things stay in the heart for it'll create pressure and stress that make you weaker day by day. Let it out for family is always family and it should be filled with only love.

The Storm's coming, and you're looking for a shelter to avoid it. The cloud is covering the sky fast and the light of the Sun just disappears faster than you want to catch it. The striking lightning shows the cracking scar on the sky. It's roaring is racing out from its source as though a swarm of waves are rushing at you. You start running and running and the run for your life as your legs are tired yet you know your running cannot stop. The heart is bumping blood faster than you can run and pumping faster as the sound come closer and you feel it's getting nearer and nearer. You found a cave and you hide into it. There were beasts as huge as 6 feet high. You know you shouldn't be there yet the situation seemed less critical. You watch your steps as you're in the cave, not to move too in and not to stay too out. The storm might just get you before you knew it. The hunger of the beast is low, luckily yet it's a matter of time till they're hungry again....

After moments of thunder and storm, suddenly it stopped and rained. It just start to drain down everything. You try stepping towards the rain, handing out your hand and realized everything is fine. You slowly step out into the rain, you let yourself wet. You claimed, "Let it rain, let it all washed away, let it out and let it cleanse the very thing that you fear..." And the sun just came out and just shine upon your face. It's not as exciting yet you just feel a sense of peace in your mind and a sense of happiness surrounded by the grievance. You might not want the rain to come again, but then after the grievance, you thought it's alright to let the rain wash everything away. At least it end up with a peace in the own self-being.

Well, this is just an abstract of my situation told in a metaphoric sense. Although I didn't say it in particular what's going on, but the quotation clearly illustrates the situation. What's more, the two paragraph doesn't continue on because I'm lazy to complete the "in between" part.

iPod Opera

Today I was taking a train to the city. Along the way, I was thinking about my iPod where I left it at home. Well, normally at circumstances like this, I'll just pick up my iPod and listen to it. Although I'll lil bored with some songs, but it just keeps me contented for awhile or at least entertain my soul. Then I took out Economist and read an article about Japan's politics and it talked about Kozuimi and his Democratic Party. Suddenly it talked about how he liked Opera and music by just one sentence. I was so "enlightened" that I thought, why not Apple come out with an iPod Opera? Then I start thinkig further about this Windows Media Plugins that it can adjust your earphones as if there's different dimensions in the sound. There's one feature of it that it just make the voice as if it's from far yet with a strong "reflective sound". Well, I just thought it can be a customed made iPod for listening to Opera. I don't know how big is the Opera market, but I know it'll b a hit for everyone because if you can make it v clear voice for Opera, you'll probably make it good for any other music kind. Not only that, I had this idea that it could have an exclusive design along with it as how Nokia did their 8800 with the Sirocco editions. There's some comments about the current iPod is that I hate the earphones because it's like always need to hang it somewhere. I like it if it can be hanged around the neck that you won't worry if the earphone's out of place.
Well, just trying to cultivate more innovative ideas. If there's any comments, do give me some feedback. iPod Opera? hehe...

The Dilemma

Today was having a good day out for photoshoot for the ASS magazine. Well, we were doing a few kind of photos. Depends on the budget but I think I'm just gonna do the cover good and a few pages with the pictures to use and the rest will be information about the company. About the company's information, there's not much to talk about since I'll be just giving them the template and they're gonna fill it up and pass it back to me. Hope that things will go well for it because I oni got a month or so to finish it. Shit!!!

Then later on went Karaoke with the Chinese friends. Well, I didn't sing much and was lil quiet for the day. Maybe I'm just not blending in today or actually I'm just a quiet person myself. After that we went for dinner and had a good meal. Well, apparently it was just a night out with them. Then it was the time that I'm chatting with Ivy that made me always like open myself to her sometimes. After that, having a little thought about it as I browse along Swanston St walking towards the tram stop.

I guess, true love is something so deep that you can't just tell yourself you're done with it. What's more, it's like a button that can just trigger you to not think and go back to the person if it clicks again. Well, that's what happened to her at her situation as well. Somehow, I'm over her already even though sometimes I have thoughts about her and I know it can be strong. I guess, after this departure, I might not see her anymore. Maybe's just the sense that I might not see her again or I'm just having a clutch but all and all, I have to keep the borderline clear cut that everyone's life might be just good that way.

Shifting Anticipatory

Waiting n it's two weeks waiting before the actual shifting will take place. Finally I'm leaving this place to start a new life in some ways. Actually just shift nearer to the uni then I can hang around the lab much later or get into class without worrying waking up too late. At times, I also have to worry about my transportation money since the ticket is so expensive. Somehow, I'm traveling during peak hours just to avoid the train inspectors. What's more at least I can save some part of my trip. This also affects how I wear most of the times. Normally friends always shocked that I'm wearing 3 layers although it's a sunny day. Well, I suppose they haven't known that late night it's cold n freezy. Not to mention the amount of stuff I need to bring everyday is so much. Nowadays my study days are all full which means I have to bring materials for all the subjects to class. So, basically I often look like a study nerd with the same jacket everyday.

Well, staying near to uni there's gonna b a large cost behind it. Even though my mum don't allow me to work, but I'll try to squeeze some time out to earn back my rent. What others there's lots of stuff for me to deal as well. This week I'm going to do the magazine for my society. Then, I'm need to prepare to sit for IELTS at the end of the month. By October, I'll have to finish studying the Economics subject that I've taken from the Centre of Actuarial Studies. Not to mention after that I'll have to continue working hard until exams for this semester's subjects.

On top of that, I suppose I have to appreciate the environment that was provided by me here. I'm being fed and shelter for so long. Although we had arguments and I'm sick of it, I still have to be grateful to my sister n my bro-in-law. Perhaps it's all about the perspective that I see things and things might have happened that coincidently make me thing negatively or make me feel uncomfortable. Every argument I made felt wrong and so different from my point of view. It suddenly shift life into a much complicated dimension or I'm just a shallow person that just can't seem to see through things clearly and judge base on the surfacing truth but not thinking about the underlying truth. What's more, I failed to take the initiative to make things better or improve understanding.

Anyway, I'm just anticipating to shift soon. Hope things will turn out fine then.

Back to Work Life...

Well, I'm just going back to work life for awhile. 1stly, the restaurant is out of staff and I'm just kicking in to help. 2ndly, I'm pretty in need of money as well, so it's pretty good for me too. Well, I suppose if I can't find any tutoring + after I shift to city, I'll consider continue working as a waiter there. Well, today was a nice day where everyone was nice n looking over each other's shoulder. Although I seemed nervous again, haha! Ooppss, but I managed to get things done.
Well, there was things that changed quite a little in the restaurant but mostly still the same culture. What's more, things got better n cleaner, I must admit haha! There's one new chef and another new kitchen staff that I've haven't met. But all are friendly. Then, there's few new waitresses who are nice. Tomoro I'll meet more waiters, let's see how they're like.

Overall, I still managed to take orders and serve as usual. Seems like some old skills have not rust but my holding plates technique still haven't mature as the other waiters. Anyway, I'm just on casual, so don't think need to be too much of a concern about it. This time, I'm more relaxed facing customers and speaking to them. It's becoming a more comfortable environment for me to talk to them and take it as though I'm a new friend to them. Well, I guess tourist are easier to get on hold to esp in directions and asking how's their journey and stuff. What's more I'm amazed that so many tourist from Sydney can do so many different kind of things.

Then, everything have to come to an end. Well, I don't understand why but every time after work, I'll get little emo. I'm tired but there's a sense of satisfaction too. I'm not sure why, but I'm happy to work here again. Frankly, I'll see how the semester goes and if time is permissible, I'll continue working there. At least it give the reality into life and some confidence to work harder in life.

Gene or Self-personality?

There's this part of me that somehow I supposed I haven't know how to express myself to my beloved ones, e.g. my family unless we're sharing the same creative thoughts. Even though I might seem playful, but it's still hard for me to tell how much I'm concern about my family sometimes. I used to dislike my father, not hate. Then rather I found that he's just not so expressive in showing his tender side to us because he might not know how to. Well, now that I'm much of an adult, I find that I'm getting more and more like him sometimes.
Probably I don't know how to change it. Is it in my gene or it's just myself being not expressive towards showing my love? I still consider myself brought up in a happy family although quarrelling often occurs around us. Yet, I believe that as long as everyone in the family have the positive thinking and willing to help each other, nothing can come our way. However, I cannot change much of the mistakes or circumstances happened before. As I thought that instead I can change my future family life and how things could be better. However, suddenly I felt this thought that I'm not able to do that because I'm not even expressive myself to show it. Why? Why? I can't figure out why and what to do suddenly?

Financial Crisis...

AAAHHHH..... I'm doomed after spending such huge amount of money in this holiday. I'm so guilty to ask my mum for more money after just 1.5 month. Suddenly the question floating my mind that what was I thinking about when I was spending during the holiday? Where did I spent them? How come it flows faster than I didn't even notice? I kept track with these stuff and often pretty well-planned for it. I can't think on top of my head how the money was spent, but I'm trying to be more forward looking and find some pocket money for myself at least for m daily usage.
I guess I'll just find a part-time job to find some pocket money to survive. Haih, suddenly feel that I'm such a person that is totally not constructive and I've not been constructive ever I guess. When life's tough and pressure builds on, I guess you have to stay strong and focus. I have to focus better and thrive to improve my studies as last semester I screwed up lots of things. I really understand my mum's lesson that we always have to be honest to ourselves and do what's our obligation. I don't want to see myself as a "yi sai zhou" that only know how to spend money and not knowing how hard it's to earn it.
Now, I've done it...at least not totally but I knew I did it. I'm disappointed with myself and I really have to realize this mistake. Not everyone have a second chance to learn from their wrongdoing and I'm not sure if I have one. At least I'm willing to make things better and stay positive that things will be better in the coming future. I won't give up and I'll have to try as hard as I can.

The Roller Coaster over Winter

Winter Break. Sounds sweet to everyone, but bitter to some. For me, it's just little bitter because the weather's not good for me. What's more is that my results came out badly. Well, I attended the exam review session and realized how lousy my results are. I'm just one mark away from getting into Honours Year, at least if this subject is over 70 then I'll have a higher chance of getting into Honours next year. Although it's just one mark, I still need concrete reasoning to show that I'm deserved to get it.
After the exam review session, I find that it's not arguable about the marks. So, I just have to pick myself up and learn my mistakes. What can I say from the exam paper? Over-confidence and it seems as though I didn't know what I was doing really. Of course, I do understand it's all my mistake that I didn't really really get into the study mode to work hard. These things happen and I always think that it won't happen to me. However, by thinking of this, it seems that I rely on luck rather than capability to determine my faith. All could have been better but I let it lure away from my hands. Of course, up to this stage, I can make things worse by telling which is wrong and which is right, but I'm better off viewing that which is better than the other. If thinking of the time could come again, why not think of the future where I can make it happen better?
Anyway, the title haven't shown the twist of the roller coaster because it's all bad news... the good news is my friend from Brisbane came visiting with her cousin. The whole thing was so good, and I really loved it. Not to mention, I've got to know Victor who is a marvellous person. Friendly and true person which is indeed a friend to behold as long as it last. Ok, not to sound so gay here, :p Anyway, I somehow felt her trip here was not as pleasurable. I was half the time accommodating them, it was raining during the ski trip, her cousin fell n hurt her jaw...etc. It wasn't perfect, for what I think. Well, I guess nothing's perfect and life's always about repairing n suiting to perfection for me. This gave me another realisation that I'm a perfectionist but not capable of having it done perfectly. Sad~~~