I'm Done...

There, I've done it. I guess I'm just so not good in relationship that I just failed to detect even the slightest bit whether an opposite sex is interested in me or I'm just imagining things. Gosh, however, I don't think she don't feel anything at all. She might be giving me excuse that she's okay and she's going back with her ex. At this point, I know I had to say it because it's a matter of time and the rise in guilt if I don't let her know as soon as it is. I've dragged since holidays till now yet I owe her a lot, really. She was there when I was pretty down at times and even just yesterday, she was the arm I had after I had a big break down in my family. I felt so cruel now just telling her just like that. I'm so dumb to not make a good timing for it, at least not sky-flying someone up to the sky filled with laughter then hit them back down to the ground with pain n more misery. I want to tell her a thousand sorry, or at least get her something before I tell her, or even make sure that she'll be alright after I tell her but I did nothing to make her feel better.

Perhaps, I'm just wrong about it because she could have just treated me as a v close friend. If that's the case, I'm so so embarrassed and I'm such a loser. Embarrassed for thinking as though I'm being liked and for being so anticipated to go online to meet her. Well, loser? I know I should say this but this is another situation that a girl go back to her ex? Geez, seems like I'm so not ready for relationships or I'm thinking too much on it?

How I wish I'm being rich enough now that I can just go abouts and flirt with some girls now. Or even a few girls even better? No worries of who's coming to break my heart but there's always another one to replace. Whenever I feel like it, I can even choose whichever I want as well. How wonderful can that be? Or how about me turning gay? Just to make myself much happier after all the heart-breaks from female partners.

Haih... I can't turn gay since I really haven't had any interest in guys in that perspective. I admit I'm flirty but I just want to find one girlfriend and how come it can be so hard and so impossible for me? Persistency, security, etc... seemed like not what they want but, perhaps, playful characteristics n stylish-looks or what-so-ever might just attract girls? It's like every time's an accident. When I think being Short-Term relationship to happen, one just said that I'm not being serious to go the long journey. When I think back to plan for a Long-Term relationship, planning each stepping stone, the girl just tell me "We're just friends". I feel hopeless with relationships...I guess I'll just leave it aside and rather focus on my career building better.